fatherhood has given me many things- and there is no doubt that one of those things is a new found respect for space to think and put together ideas, notions and dreams. every parent knows the beautiful dilemma of caring for and dealing with a baby, a child, what have you... intensity (such as is found in submission grappling and/or parenthood) is a game best worked within a full engagement and a crying baby (if you have the guts) is a take on full engagement in the most titanic of terms.

this then leaves the question of time. time to make art, time to think, time to put together the myriad detritus of a day into a night and the resultant narrative. in short, time alone...

an artist feeds on a certain requirement of solitude-- time to ruminate on matters aesthetic, poetic, romantic, etc. these thoughts take the full measure of a man's energies and (as an artist) he comes out from these reveries, maybe not better-- but stronger in a vigorous sense of purpose, going forward with the work at hand.

almost midnight now and i sit here at the table alone. baby asleep and the dreaming the soft dreams that we can never recall having dreamed in that time so long ago, wife asleep and deserving it...

fatherhood has given me many things. one of the very implicit contributions to my life has been a newfound appreciation for appreciation and for gratitude.

i have been given a chance to feel so much more outside of myself than ever i could have felt from within myself alone... and my daughter gave this to me.

this is but an echo of my own childhood-- an echo of generations... and as an artist, irreplacible as a font of creative vitality.

tomorrow, baby deegan will be with me in the studio- supervising, if you will. paint will be laid down hard, diapers changed, etc etc... but right now i'm alone. i am typing and sipping cold vodka- readying myself for the 4AM feeding.

i should have been in bed an hour ago, but then i couldn't have written this and thought these thoughts, paying so much attention to how very lucky i am...